I could use some help.

In 2019, my son was born. My life was in a total upheaval. We moved. Sold our house. Had a baby. Dealt with some pretty bad post partum depression. My husband lost his job due to relocation of the business. He started a job working really awful hours. I went back to work at my job for a month because of the uncertainty with his job. After a month, I left and pursued a career as a full time photographer.

I’ve been photographing professionally since 2008. I was in college. I’ve worked a lot of jobs and learned a lot along the way. I’m still learning. I love people. I love helping people by showing them what I see. I’ve done portrait work including school pictures, weddings, headshots, seniors, newborns, infants, large family groups, sports. I’m not bragging. This isn’t a résumé. But I’ve done a lot in the last 15 years.

In September of 2019, I went full time with my photography. Just in time for the busy holiday season. I surpassed my goals. Things were going well!

In early winter of 2020 I photographed my first product. It was for RaGa Naturals. It was 100% a learning experience. The bottles were reflective. I way over delivered. I edited every image before sending to the client. I worked within the 2 week time period. Only to have the client pick their images that fit in with the collaboration. Hey. Chalk that up to the learning curve. I loved working with her and we created some images that I’m still happy with. But. I spent a lot of time on it. Thankfully, it was time I had.

The next opportunity I had to work with someone from the Facebook group was Bad Beez. It was lip gloss and liquid lipstick. I was to photograph modeled images with her product. The day I received the product, we were put on lockdown. 2 weeks turned into months without seeing anyone other than my 2 kids (9 months and 2 1/2 at the time). My husband too, but most of the time he was working awful odd hours.

Out of frustration, one day I went outside on the porch while my husband was in charge of my 2 sidekicks. I photographed lifestyle images of those lipsticks and lipglosses.

Then another day, I made my husband photograph headshots of me in the lipstick. Then as the guidelines loosened, we started doing things outside. I met up weekly with a friend. She would model products for me that I picked up through the group. This was so beneficial for my mental health and ppd recovery.

2020 was actually a good financial year for us. I worked with several clients consistently. Many of those continuing into 2021.

Then 2022 hit. My first client of the year canceled. Then the next several portrait clients did. Several clients would let me know what images they would want, even planning to purchase additional images, only to never pay an invoice. So they didn’t receive their images. I did the work but times were tough for people. And I understood that. I started considering charging a booking fee or a session reservation fee. In retrospect, I should have. But I hated the idea of someone feeling obligated to have their session while sick.

The only thing that kept my business going through 2022 was product photography. Both clients and collaborations.

Then in November 2022 my dog died.

January 2023, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and executive dysfunction. NOT ADHD. Regardless of how obvious it seems to me. #notadoctor

We got a dog the next day. She’s been such a joy in our lives. I didn’t realize how badly I needed her until she filled a hole in my heart that I didn’t know was there.

I photographed a musical and had a blast. The turn out for image purchasing wasn’t as I had hoped but I did receive a lot of advertising for it and met some wonderful students along the way.

We visited a cousin in Philly for his wedding.

My hands went numb. A lot. Driving? Numb. Sleeping? Numb. Shooting? Numb. Soooo fun.

We finally went on a real vacation to Michigan .

We took the kids to Great Wolf Lodge.

We went sea glass hunting all summer.

Torben broke his arm.

Adelei started school.

Portrait sessions didn’t book much over the summer. Which was unusual. Normally the warm weather inspires people to get their pictures updated.

My cat died 2 days into the school year.

Many of my business clients pared back the work they were sending me due to production costs and trying to keep their sales prices down to maintain their customers.

There were fewer people asking for collaborations and even fewer choosing to work with me.

Mini sessions didn’t book as well as even previous years.

I did photograph several senior sessions, which are some of my favorites to do.

I got to photograph several doggos and get kisses from them.

My grandma’s sister died. We celebrated her life with our family from Seattle.

I played with lighting on a few sessions and have been helping to coordinate meet ups with some local photographers to practice different photography related activities (headshots, lighting, group posing).

I’ve still gotten to work with some of my favorite clients. Just not as frequently. I even met one from Michigan! I’d love to meet the ones from California and Hawaii!

Did I mention Adelei went to school? She freaking loves it.

I’ve been working at the credit union once a week for the last year helping with their marketing and website.

I lost 40 lbs in the last year and a half. Then gained 12 back during our summer. It’s been rough.

I started therapy again. But the first therapist didn’t work out. I’m on my second but surprise, now I have to deal with insurance issues. I haven’t been back. I need to. But. Time.

I had carpal tunnel surgery on my right hand. Then I photographed the next day. It was an amazing thing. It hurt. But I functioned. Very slowly. But still functioned .

Around Thanksgiving 2023, I was unexpectedly deleted from an online group I’ve been participating in, without being given a reason or a notice. If that comment seems abrupt, imagine how I felt finding the “join” button when I searched for the group. This group was full of small businesses and photographers with the one goal of helping the small businesses elevate their online product line. When I did finally get a response in February, they stated that my work wasn’t consistent enough.

None of my clients were ever disappointed. I was so torn about this. I didn’t talk about it because I didn’t think it was a good idea to act unprofessionally. But I really wanted to. In a field where we are constantly battling imposter syndrome, any of the groups I’ve become involved in have only torn my work down. Instead of helping me to build up. This group quite literally telling me I’m not good enough to even work for free/trade. Another group I paid to be involved at the beginning of my full time career literally laughed at my work. I had hoped to learn from these “successful” local photographers in the field. But that group was a waste.

We have since had some family health issues. IYKYK. My Sister in law had a baby. I’m still in a big debate over sending my 4 year old to school in the fall. People. I’m so freaking tired and disheartened. I want to keep photographing but I am not sure how I can keep going without business. When Torben does ultimately go to school, if this isn’t working for us financially, I know I won’t be able to continue.

If you made it this far, thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sticking with me. Whether you are a client, friend, family member, online observer, thank you for being here.